experiment

For today's lab experiment, you will need the following
-- One gallon of whole milk
-- One chink of concrete large enough to fit in your mouth. There are plenty of such chinks in the alley behind where I live, but if you are not so fortunate then you can get a chink by hitting the sidewalk with a sledge hammer. Remember, the city holds you responsible for the maintenance of the sidewalk adjacent to your property, so be sure to break someone else's sidewalk.
-- A tape recorder. Ideally, use one of those dictation recorders with the fast playback
-- A cat
-- Some duct tape
-- A turkey baster

First, set the milk out on the counter for a week or two.

Swallow the concrete. Wait several hours. When the time comes, use the tape recorder to record the noises that you make as you pass the concrete.

Using the duct tape, attach the cat to the gallon of milk.

At 2:00 am hold your hand out in front of you, palm up as if you were holding a bowling ball. If you are right-handed, use your left hand and vice versa. Place the milk/cat on your hand and hold it out in front of you. Bounce it up and down a bit. With the other hand play back the recording at full volume, preferably at fast playback and with headphones.

Feel free to pace back and forth. Keep this up for an hour or two. Occasionally open the milk jug and use the turkey baster to squirt some of its contents on yourself and anything else--your favorite shirt, your couch, your rug, the cat, your Picasso, whatever, have fun with it.

Welcome to parenthood.