Eternal Earthbound Pets replies

Much to my surprise, one of the principles of Eternal Earthbound Pets replied to my email. Except that he didn't reply to my email, he replied in the comments to my blog post about the email. You can read it in context there or, um right here, with a couple of editorial comments.

Hmmm..yes, I see your email in my business partners trash: jasonxxxxxxxxx@sbcglobal.net>

He handled inquires for West of the Mississippi. We now only have one email address. I handle all contacts: eternal-earthbound-pets@msn.com.

I guess given the publicity and volume of mail we were getting in August/Sept he didn't feel your inquiry merited the time to respond. Reading your letter in detail now, I can porobably understand why. But I'll undertake to answer it now.

So, you don't believe in Rapture doctrine yet you spent an inordinate amount of typing and explaining the fictional doctrine of Rapture believers for us... as though we are unschooled in the various end times interpretations. Thanks for that.

He is making that up. my whole letter is barely 16 sentences and the only "explaining" I do is about two sentences to set immediate context for my question. Hardly an inordinate amount of time. I would not presume to know more about Rapture and Tribulation theology than anyone else who has studied it. I used to know more than I do now, but those parts of my brain have been given over to details about childcare and SQL.

There are opposing opinions as to what the Tribulation would be like. According to interpretation of Revelation more than 1/3rd of the world's population will be spared/survive the 7 yrs; and those willing to accept the sign of the beast will beable to conduct business, share in commerce, etc. But frankly, since the potential of such doctrine being real is perhaps 1 in 500 Billion, we don't concern ourseves with the nightmarish myths of the deluded.

Your comment about anti-christian propaganda frankly falls under the same heading. In fact, given that atehsists are nothing if not realists and pragmatists, it would be hard to deny our error in the event of dead corpses rising out of the grave, et al.

Thus, if we have rejected the imaginary propaganda of theists because it is devoid of any evidence now, how much easier would it be to dismiss as false the so called anti-christian propaganda you claim will follow the rapture when prima fascia evidence for theistic belief being true would have been observable? Your dicotomy is invalid and patently silly.

I am sort of disappointed on this point. My dichotomy is patently silly? The whole Eternal Earthbound Pets concept, and my entire response is patently silly. Either my letter too silly or poorly-executed to be actually be funny, like jokes David makes up, or it is just not a funny joke, period. Oh, well. They can't all land.

Finally, may I recommend that you start your own business and offer $50.00 pet euthanasia coverage in lieu of pet rescue. As a christian yourself evidently you perceive a greater value in death than life, or figure rapture believers to be so inclined. Infact, why stop with pets? For $100.00 you can offer to euthanise "leftbehind" christians whose families beamed up when they didn't.

Crap, I wish I had thought of that. It sounds like the premise of a SyFy channel series, like Dexter, but with Kirk Cameron.

Not being a death cultist, which is the mainstay of Christian belief, I don't put an awful lot of thought into such matters. I'm simply offering a service to those death cultists who care about their pets, and want inexpensive insurance that I am certain to a degree of approx. 500 billion to 1 I will never have to execute.

So, there's your answer. Sorry it's so late.

So there is their answer. Sorry it took me so long to bring attention to it. I got busy with holiday stuff.

Oh, and happy New Year/Feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord/Feast of St. Basil the Great. This Christmastime has been so high-effort with the weather and a sick wife, that I decided to pass on proper commemoration of the new year other than watching "Stardust" and drinking some port (which I probably would have done anyway given that I have tomorrow off).

My letter to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets

I sent the following in an email to Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA

Dear Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA

As an Eastern Orthodox Christian, I don't believe in an a Rapture scenario like that made popular by the recent "Left Behind" books; however, I have some questions about your business.

Among Rapture theorists are those who believe that the Rapture will occur before a period of intense tribulation. According to the "Pre-Tribs," this will be a period of war, disaster, famine, oppression, etc. etc. Pets are suddenly going be pretty low on the list of priorities--especially someone else's pets. Animals are going to be valued as much for meat as companionship. Plus, you say in your FAQs that you are nice folks and open-minded, but in the post-Rapture tribulation, there is going to be LOTS of persuasive anti-Christian propaganda. Many fewer people are open-minded during times of extreme hardship. Furthermore, it may be flat out illegal to have a contract with Christians or to take care of their property. I'm curious to know if you have given any thought to this issue?

Lastly, considering what a bum trip the Tribulation is expected to be, there may be those who do not want their pets to live through it. Have you considered an alternative service where, for $50, you will promise to euthanize their pets? I know that seems cruel, but if the whole Rapture/Tribulation scenario plays out, it would be doing them a favor unless you believe that a dog has a soul AND you believe that our souls are purified by tribulation. But then I doubt you would be a Pre-Trib. Besides tribulation is meant to bring us to repentance and how would a dog repent?

Thank you for listening.

Jason , Topeka, Kansas

I'll let you know if they reply.

Baracuda

Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Hockey Mom?

A: One is a natural thing perverted by our obsession with violent competition.

The other is just a dog.

Maybe when Firefox 3 is released . . .

Jason seems to be expecting a bit much from his browser.

Doctor Beef's slideshow on Flickr

This is not the humorous break you are looking for.

This is not the humorous break we are looking for. Move along.

newish addition

moar funny pictures

Jaime didn't want a cat, but I was embarrassed to be the only blogger online without a pet to blog about.

Her name is Dusty. She came to us via a friend in need and has fit nicely into our household. She is affectionate without getting under foot (once fed). She is not shy. She does not object to getting chased and picked up by the four-year-old. She often comes when called. She snuggles. She is some sort of Maine Coon mix with a tail like a big ol' dusting wand (hence the name). She is less than a year old, so we are hoping she'll grow a bit more.

Also, Jaime took some shots of the boys. Go and see.

guest post: loony economies

Dad sent me a couple of emails recommending online reading. Both relate to economic fantasies:

Things you can buy from ACME to vanquish you foe (episode after episode)

and

Life in an equally implausible economic system.

enjoy, loony fans

david and simon better make some friends

26

79 out of 79.14159

Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine is my favorite new read. Thanks to "Touchstone's" Mere Comments for the 411.

saint joachim

A joke:

While flying him back to his homeland to visit his mother, Themios Papadopoulos' plane crashes in the sea. Themeos, the only survivor, washes up on the shores of a small deserted island. Thanking God for his life and seeing that he may be stranded for awhile, he sets to building a church for himself as well as procuring means of survival. He is stranded for quite a long time until one day a ship spots his distress fire and sends a rescuer to the island on a life raft. When the rescuer arrives he observes that there are two buildings on just back from the beach. He asks Themeos what they are.
"They are churches," the castaway replies. "Orthodox Churches."
"But why are there two of them?" the newcomer asks.
"Because," George says loudly, pointing at one of the buildings, "that is the Church I go to, and," thrusting his finger angrily at the other, "that is the Church I don't go to."

Maybe three people reading this will get that. Maybe fewer.

I have decided that we need to open a second Orthodox Church in Topeka. Then, David needs to go to that one. Our expectations of him are pretty minimal--try to be minimally disruptive. But sometimes, he is simply unable to do that. This is most apparent when both Jaime and I are with him. He jumps around, crawls around, dances around, plays around and generally does everything to get our attention.

But lately, I have been serving in the altar. We have developed a pattern like this. David and I go to church around 9:00. I serve in the altar and he is supervised by whomever might be closest until Sunday School starts. By the time Sunday School is over and Liturgy begins, Mom has arrived. For the time that he alone, is an angel. He is quiet and still.

This last Sunday, Jaime and Simon were under the weather, so it was just David and I. He went to Sunday school during matins and then was up in the nave by himself during all of liturgy. I expected this to be too much and was prepared come some stand in the nave with him. But during the first half of Liturgy, I observed him standing still and silent next to Sarah, his 13-year-old girlfriend who sings in the choir. During the latter half, he was not quite so perfect, but did better than one could reasonably expect of a 3.5-year-old on his own.

So, clearly, he is ready to take his place in society and Jaime and I are just distractions. We need to open a sister church and he can go there. This weekend, I'll say something good or bad about the Patriarch and plant the seeds for our division.

later, Greek fans.

manifesto

defective yeti links to this manifesto and heated discussion against the use of nuts in certain foods. It is hilarious and when I mentioned it to Jaime, she suggested I compose my own manifesto against fruit and chocolate. Great idea. Here it goes:

"Don't combine fruit and chocolate. It's disgusting."

There.

Need some clarification? Don't dip fruits in chocolate. Don't put fruit in chocolate candy or cake. Don't combine fruit-flavored things with chocolate flavored things.

Don't get me wrong (well, you can if you want, I don't care), I love fruit and I'm so into chocolate that I may have to have estrogen therapy in my post-middle-age years. But the two of them together are gross. The best analogue I can think of is Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Both are good actors who have done some lovely work separately. Together, they are a disaster--three movies that should be purged from our collective cultural consciousness. The one exception I can think of is the banana. Bananas are tolerable with chocolate--especially if ice cream is involved. Bananas and chocolate are like "Joe Versus the Volcano--" Acceptable in certain circumstances.

But that is it.

I love nuts in just about anything, though. I'll eat nuts with fruit, nuts with chocolate, but not fruit, nuts, and chocolate--unless the fruit is a banana, and there is ice cream involved. I know what you are thinking--"what do you do with the fudge and fruit toppings in a banana split?" Well, I haven't had a banana split in about 25 years, but I recall it takes some work to avoid the parts where the fruit and fudge toppings mix. Frankly, if I ordered one now, I would simply forgo the fudge altogether. Ice cream, strawberries, pineapple, and the cherry (not to mention, the nuts) are reward enough to put off chocolate until I'm done and have cleansed my palate.

The Curt Jester: New liturgical position

The Curt Jester: New liturgical position

i hope i get listed in the screenplay credits.

The real meat of this post is in the comments--specifically, the second comment.

ORTHODIXIE ... Southern, Orthodox, Convert, Etc.: Nicholson, Hanks, Stiller & Huneycutt?

idea of the day: averting dis-aster

From: Jason Gilbert
To: 'RK'
Subject: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

Two steps to be completed over the course of the next couple of decades. Step 1: Perfect infrared technology so that every car windshield is equipped with it, everyone owns the equipment to see infrared, and that equipment is light and easy to use. Step 2: replace all street lights porch lights, yard lights, and head lights with infrared "lighting" (projectors). Exclude the lighting that architects use to make the exteriors of their buildings look pretty at night so we don't have to hear them whine.
Step three: walk out in a night reclaimed by darkness and look up at the stars. This would actually be SAFER at night because we could really saturate the cities with infrared lighting that appears much brighter than what is currently acceptable with public lighting.

We would have to do an environmental impact study on animals that can see the longer wavelengths, but I assume it would be less than the impact of our current daylight-at-night situation. Of course certain areas wouldn't do this--like Time's Square--but if we could eliminate 80-90% of the current lighting, we could see the stars again.

From: RK
To: 'Jason Gilbert'
Subject: RE: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

IDOD:

Go camping.

From: Jason Gilbert [mailto:jgilbert@allenpress.com]
To: 'RK'
Subject: RE: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

OK, not a recreational issue. I am trying to eliminate light pollution and create an environment where the night sky, and the darkness of night in general, are a part of our lives again.

punk.

From:RK
To: 'Jason Gilbert'
Subject: RE: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not live according to the truth; but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:6-7 RSV)

guess we better rename it EDOD: EVIL idea of the day.

From: Jason Gilbert [mailto:jgilbert@allenpress.com]
To: 'RK'
Subject: RE: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

dude, God can so see in infrared. So, since my idea actually increases the amount of "light" even though we can't see it, it is a spiritual improvement over the current situation.

From:RK
To: 'Jason Gilbert'
Subject: RE: idea of the day--averting dis-aster

ah, i see. and i retract as well, because evil things have to be backwards of good things. so an evil IDOD is just Dodi. if you see one walking down the street you can say “howdy, dodi!”

12 days of christmas

For your enjoyment on this, the ninth day of Christmas:

The twelve days of social work case management as preformed by Jaime
On the 12th day of Christmas, my social worker gave to me:

12 Rolling walkers
11 ER visits
10 Round trip cab rides
9 Days of hospice
8 Oxygen tanks
7 Community referrals
6 Chamber pots
5 Crisis stablization days
4 Days of rehab
3 Nebulizers
2 Free wound vacs
And a month of free prescription pills!

on the ropes

OK, I dropped off of map there for a couple of days. Word of advice: don't teach your son knots. I figured David is so manipulative that he would really get into knots. So, I got some rope and taught him some knots--stoppers, bends, loops, hitches, just the basic stuff every salty veteran of the high seas knows. Big mistake. I've been hog tied to the play table for four days. He finally relinquished when he ran out of yogurt and Zionist hot dogs. But I'm back on the wagon (it's David's wagon; I like listening to him scream at me to get off so he can ride) and recommitting myself to daily blogging for the rest of November (NaBloPoFNi (National Blogging Fortnight)).

Later ropes fans

perhaps on the mtv blog

--I've gone acoustic [giggle].
--huh?
--I'm unplugged.
--oh. Ha! That's pretty good
--You should blog it.

"watch the squirrel, not the clock"

shut up, I know I should be working, shut up. Instead, I am reading this:

"Orphaned baby squirrels frequently will suckle on the nose, ears, elbows, thumb nub, genitals, stomach of other babies or even themselves. They will also suckle on stuffed animals, a towel, just about anything. I tried to make a pacifier for them so they wouldn't suckle each other but nothing's like the real thing I suppose. They can sometimes suckle so much that they give each other hickeys and get themselves very raw."

no punchline. that's it. everyone with kids knows what i'm talking about.

love
david's least favorite suckle-toy

ode

squishy little sausage legs
wormy fingers, hotdog arms
and your calimari ears
add to your tasty baby charms

funky little monkey feet
a tiny turned up turtle nose
a pair of hematite-blue eyes
a tummy that just grows and grows

puckered grapefruit heart-shaped lips
above a triple chin
and your frequent fragrant farts
followed by your funny grin

you got a fuzzy melon head
you've got a cry that melts our hearts
you've got pudgy puppy skin
covering your baby parts

recovering from childlessness

Hello, my name is Jason, and I am a recovering Childless Person. Before entering into this treatment program I had no children and lived a childless life. My story is by no means unique. I lived the organized pointlessness similar to many others afflicted with this disease. I scheduled (and kept) appointments with other people, I went to bed at reasonable hours and woke up when my alarm sounded. I had "free" time in which I did things like read, write, (I am ashamed to say) fly kites. I even planned things that one could only do during "free" time, believing that I deserved this time to myself. I see now that l was addicted to these spare moments without obligation and they were controlling my life. Things began to turn around about ten months ago when my wife got pregnant. My life began to spiral out of control and it became clear that I was not going to be able to sustain my childless lifestyle for much longer. I could say that I hit bottom exactly 28 days ago and my childless existence ended. That is when I checked into this program and my recovery began.

Most of you are familiar with this program. It is basically a "deep end of the pool" approach involving a chaotic, unpredictable, "schedule" of soothing shrill cries, changing poopy diapers, getting spit-up on and peed on with occasional "rest periods" of staring into my son's shiny grey eyes as one would stare into a bottomless well.

Many of you are also familiar with the "12-steps" of childless recovery--the new blueprint for my life:

1) I admitted that I am powerless over my childlessness and that it had come to define me.
2) I acknowledged that there is a Power stronger than myself--namely, my child.
3) I made a decision to turn my life over to the taking care of a child.
4) I made a searching inventory of all of the baby-related stuff at Target and Toys-R-Us, and gave this list to people to buy.
5) Admitted to myself, my wife, and anyone who would listen that I have no idea how to take care of a baby.
6) I was entirely ready to have a baby remove defective open spaces of time from my schedule.
7) I humbly asked my baby to forgive me for bonking his forehead on the arm of the rocking chair as tried to move him into an new position that might make him stop crying.
8) I made list of all of the persons that we need to send "Thank you" cards to for food and gifts.
9) I made direct amends with my neighbors who can surely hear my child's wailing in the middle of the night.
10) I continue to take a personal inventory and if I ever find myself with out a barf rag handy, take steps to correct the situation.
11) Seek through endless asinine babble to make a conscious connection with my child in anticipation of the day that he can just tell me what he needs without screeching.
12) Having been awaken by his crying, try to carry his message to his mom to feed him so that I can get a few more minutes of sleep.

I know that these 28 days are by no means the completion of my recovery from childlessness but are rather the beginning of a lifelong process of growth and struggle as I learn to live my life without the need of "free time."

Thank you for your support