Thursday, April 21, 2005

it walks

I get home last night after David has gone to bed and mom has this story: she was in the office, he was in our bedroom being too quiet. Just as she was about to go see what he was up to, he strolled into the office carrying my belt. Then he moseyed to the top of the stairs and flung it down the stairs. After she gave the belt back, he ambled into her bedroom.

As you can imagine, I am pretty hurt that, without warning, he up and decides to walk when his mother and I are not around.

This morning I got him up in time to get some walking action in before taking him to the sitter's and going back to KC. I repeatedly stood him and he repeatedly dropped to his butt like it has never occurred to him that knees are for anything but crawling.

I get back to town this afternoon and Alex says that he has shown no signs whatsoever of walking. He'll stand for long periods of time, but he has been doing that for awhile. Big deal. Don't get far in life just standing around looking cute unless you are Vanna White, or a model, or part of a highway work crew . . . but I digress.

By this point, I am pretty sure that all of mom's fast living has caught up with her and she is suffering from some vivid "dreams."

Then after his nap, I gave him my belt, stood him up, and stepped back.

He walked to me.

Then, he walked all over the place.

The belt is kind of funny. Later in the evening, he would finally walk with his hands empty, but earlier, he had to have something in them. He would hold my belt out in front of him and then walk a sort of Frankenstein-monster-walk that gave the appearance that really, the belt was about three inches away from him and he was chasing it. Or perhaps it was really important to get the belt somewhere--important enough to just get up and walk. Without the belt, he just keeps his hands out in front of him waiting for something to come by that he can grab on to.

Crawling is still the preferred mode of transportation, but I am guessing that in about a week, he will forget all about it.

Later, walking fans.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

new job! for real this time

For your sense of security, I am going to establish a brief joke-free zone so that you can feel comfortable responding emotionally without fear of being publicly mocked on the World Wide Web.

//begin humor-free//

I received the phone call today from one of the companies with whom I interviewed last week. I will essentially be an account rep. for a service division of a publishing company. I will have nothing to do with the publishing, though, so please don't send me your manuscript. Assuming I pass the physical and drug test tomorrow, I will start work on Monday. This brings an end to a dry spell punctuated with a series of rejections for positions that I could do with my eyes closed. The new job will be very similar to work I have done before, but the professional relationships will more in-depth and will involve more responsibility on my part. I looks like an exciting challenge--I am looking forward to it.

For the sake of internet privacy, am not going to reveal any more.

//end humor-free//

Other than to say it involves infiltrating black-market Pizzarias that are using Canadian bacon to smuggle terrorist herbs-and-spices into Wisconsin to add zest to suicide-bombers' last meals of hummus and white bread.

but I can say no more--to many lives are at stake.

But this blog is supposed to be about David--where does he fit in? Well, David will continue to freeload, depleting resources while contributing only cuteness and constant stream of inane babble. On a positive note, he has helped us out by switching from formula, which costs $arm-and-leg.00 per ounce, to simple milk, which costs $0.025 per ounce.

later, milk fans

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Rt. Rev. John Platko , 1948-2005

I received the news Sunday evening that Fr. John, the priest that Christmated me, baptized Jaime-Mary, and married us, fell asleep in the Lord. I have made a couple of attempts to write to you about how this man touched our lives, how deeply we love him and how we will miss him. But it just does not work in this forum. Anyone who knows Jaime and I personally know how wonderful Fr. John is.

Holy Trinity Orthodox Church has posted his obituary: "Words cannot capture this inspirational mentor who led with dignity and humility. He guided his parishioners selflessly to the light of truth and wisdom. Too often self-effacing, he never reveled in his position, but served all his days. Whether administering communion or teaching, he inspired in the virtual sense of the word. He breathed life into all with whom he came into contact and into the life of the Church.

May Father John’s memory be eternal!"

Monday, April 18, 2005

norman's not funny

On Monday, April 18, 2005, at 03:27 AM, you wrote:

Are you serious about DY?

I was going to reply with an uber-hot flaming rip of
an email explaining that this was just a joke that you perhaps did not

Then I received another email someone else congratulating me on the DY

This is why I am not getting paid to write humor.

It reminds me of a story. Want to hear it? 'goes like this.

I used to work for a company which did not have a dress code.
Generally, that was ok, but sometimes people really went too far. One
day, Melissa came to work in denim cut-offs, a white t-shirt, and
grungy tennis shoes sans socks. Melissa was an
actress/model whose appearance was generally very professional. I
forget what her explanation was for the slumming--I was way too busy
making fun of her. The next day while Will, the Chief Operating
Officer, was out of his office, I snuck in and composed an email from
him to the whole group explaining the new dress code. I peppered the
email with all kinds of absurdities (so I thought) to indicate the
joke. At one point I used Melissa as an illustration of how not to
dress and used myself as an illustration of how to dress. I said that
"I" (Will) was going to hire "Jason" to be "my" personal fashion
consultant. I figured that by the end it would be very clear that
Jason was typing from Will's machine.

I was stunned by the number of people who almost did not get it. What
was even funnier was the number of people who only realized it was a
joke when they reached the very last line, which read, "Love, Will."
That was the give-away, which was bizarre because Will is a very
loving guy. For instance, even after that email, I was allowed to
keep my job.

Friday, April 15, 2005

new job!

Updates to this blog might be kind of sporadic from now on because I just found out that I'm the new Defective Yeti.

As you may have read, Matthew Baldwin just went from Pretty Ok Guy, to Pope. You might think "what great luck" being chosen like that, but his story--like most of his blog--is not exactly true. Here is the scoop: I've been corresponding with him for quite awhile and learning his tricks of the trade--to quote a phrase I'll have to get used to. One day he took me to a chat room and he told me his secret. "I am not Defective Yeti" he said. "My name is Ryan; I inherited the blog from the previous Defective Yeti, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Defective Yeti either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Defective Yeti has been retired 15 years and is the Patriarch of Constantinople"

Apparently being a humor blogger is simply preparation for inevitably becoming a major religious leader. I don't think that it is coincidence that I take over this post within a decade of the probable retirement Metropolitan Philip, the Archbishop of the Antiochian Orthodox Christians in America.

You might be scratching your head and thinking, "but Jason, DY is funny and all you do is wring your hands about wether your kid is going to be stupid because his bathtub is the wrong color." Well, with new administrations come change and one of the first changes I will introduce to DY is turning off the comments so that you can keep those thoughts to yourself.

later, DJJ/DY fans

Thursday, April 14, 2005

terror reloaded

The old mild alarment:
  • stand on landing
  • place both hands on the second step, knees on the first step.
  • hands on the third step, knees on the second step
  • repeat until the top is reached.
The new terror
  • stand up on the first step, turn to the banister
  • gripping the banister and spindles, put the forward foot up on the next step
  • pull trailing foot up to the step
  • repeat
  • occasionally, slip, catching self with hands and feet LIKE SOME SORT OF MOUNTAIN CLIMBER WHILE YOUR FATHER'S HEART STOPS

mercury, it's bad for babies

Dad sent me this some time ago.

It ticks me off.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

12-month check up

Jack Jack from the Incredibles
(current photo)

Today we visited Dr. Cohlburn for David's 12-month checkup.

He is the picture of health. According to the information given us by the nurse, he is doing everything that a one-year-old ought to be doing:

  • Regular scream-loudness tests? Check
  • Terrifying parents with daring feats? Check
  • Pulling dangerous/breakable objects on top of self? Check
  • Kissing the dog? Check
When the doctor listened to his heart with the steth, Jaime showed him how to inhale deeply and let it out, which he did--so cute.

When the doctor asked about words, Jaime sang "She loves you!" and he replied "yeah, yeah, yeah" right on cue.

When we gave him tamborines and played our organ, he did somersaults.

When two nurses shoved needles into his chubby chubby thighs, he became all fire and shot laserbeams from his eyes.

He is 23 pounds, 9.9 oz. That puts him in the 58th percentile, the same percentage as the increase in blog readership in 2004.

He is 31 inches tall/long. That is the 81st percentile, the same as the percentage of ten-year-olds who are afraid of being fat.

Later fat-fearing fans.

terror is

terror is

(Marcel Duchamp, Nude Descending a Staircase, 1912)

Watching him descend the stairs by himself.

He stands on the top step facing the banister and holding the spindles
with both hands.

He kneels to his knees and lowers his left foot down to the next step.

He readjusts his weight, moves his hands over to the next spindles, and
brings down the trailing foot.

He repeats the above until he's reached the landing.

While I remained less than an inch away the whole time, I didn't touch

Monday, April 11, 2005



(David not pictured. That is the baby that came with the toy. We had
to recycle him along with the rest of the packaging.)

Grandma Susie and Grandpa Stevey bought him a Clifford the Big Red Dog
Ride On toy for his birthday. David's legs are still too stubby to get
on and off of it himself, but that is OK. There is another feature
that far surpasses riding Clifford down the stairs. Clifford has a
door in his back, making him a cubby-hole on wheels. When David
discovered this, his world was forever changed. His new hobby became
Putting Things in Clifford and Taking Them Out Again. He spent a
couple of days just experimenting with what he could put in the dog. I
would watch as he tried to fit in toys that were way too large for the
opening. One day he dedicated a portion of his morning to stuffing a
pair of mommy's pajamas inside Clifford.

But life is not all about stuffing dogs. There are also cribs to empty.

His other "game" is to let us know that he is unhappy by pitching his
pacifier out of the crib. He still sleeps with a bink--actually two
binks, one in his mouth, the other in his hands that compulsively
fidget until he is in a deep sleep. Usually, a third bink is present
as well since they get hidden in the crevasses where only he can find
them. If he doesn't get a response out of us by throwing the first
bink out, then the others will follow. Then his blanket, then Ice Bat
and anything else that might in there. He will do the same thing when
he is in his play pen, but it's more dramatic since he has many other
toys in the pen. But he is patient and will take as much time as he
needs to be sure that everything gets tossed.

fancy baby parts

fancy baby parts for sale
coos, and cries, and farts
laughs are cheap
and grins are nearly free

Sunday, April 10, 2005


I'm mentioned on Daddy Types, the weblog for new dads!

In the interest of full-disclosure, I must mention that I emailed him my stroller review.

Later, Daddy-blog fans.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

i bet she'll say it knocked her sox off

Drew Barrymore

In a romantic comedy

About baseball

So, Skylar, where is your review of Fever Pitch?

our stroller

Kolcraft Jeep Liberty Limited Urban Terrain

Although he mentions it, Daddytypes never actually reviews our stroller, so I thought I would share.

We like to take walks. However, most of the sidewalks in our neighborhood look like this. bumpy brick sidewalk
I wanted the biggest wheels that I could afford and that were available locally (I wasn't willing to buy online sight-unseen).

First, we bought a standard jogging stroller, but those are a pain. The front wheel is rigid for safety, so to turn them you have to push down on the handle, lifting the front wheel off of the ground--pain in the bottom. We returned it.

The Kolcraft Jeep Liberty Limited Urban Terrain, on the other hand, maneuvers like a dream. It has a spacious cargo carrier under the seat as well as two saddle bags attached to the outside of the frame where you can put small items and forget about them forever. The wheels are fairly large and inflatable making for a fairly smooth ride over most terrain. It is tall enough that I can stand up straight and push it without kicking it as long as I don't try to rush. David loves it most of the time. A couple of days ago, I realized that he is big enough to reach the tray so I attached the optional steering-wheel toy with horn.

The model we bought also comes with speakers for your portable audio device of choice and little compartment to put it in. I could have done without that and we have never used it except to hold misc. pieces of paper.

Five-point harness. Two cup holders for the pusher, two for the baby. Looks killer.

Cons--it's not perfect:

While it is certainly not the largest on the market, it is not small. It does not fold down as compactly as some of it four-wheel equivalents. Generally, it stays at home waiting for us to go on a walk or we take it when we know we are going to be at the park or out strolling for an extended period of time. For trips to the mall, we just use the one of the two umbrella strollers that Toys "R" Us gave us.

The seat back adjusts up and down with a slider on strings which is great for adjusting it just like we want it, but this system prevents the seat from sitting completely upright. I am going to get a little pillow to help him sit up properly.

I have read these cons at Epinions: tipping hazard, wheels come off if not put on correctly, the baby can remove the tray. I could see it tipping when he is big enough to crawl out, but it seems unlikely--especially if you keep the kid harnessed as you should. I put the wheels on correctly, but I have lots of experience assembling stuff, so it may be an issue for the less experienced. The front tray swings out to the side for installation and extraction of the baby. Ours is very tight, David will never be able to open it on his own. Not that he would want to; he wouldn't be able to honk the horn.

Eventually, I would like something intermediate. The umbrella stroller is light and compact, but has no cargo space. Since baby=equipment, I will eventually get something small and light, but with a basket underneath for trips to the mall/doctor's/etc.

how google works

Google Technology: "When a search query is submitted to Google, it is routed to a data coop where monitors flash result pages at blazing speeds. When a relevant result is observed by one of the pigeons in the cluster, it strikes a rubber-coated steel bar with its beak,"

DVForge - Virus Prize 2005

Normally, this would be a miniblog entry, but I'll just share. I want to do my part to promote the good products that I use. DVForge wants you to know the truth about virus threats on a Macintoch.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

in case there is any doubt

in case there is any doubt

the spirit of flickr

File under: technical stuff

The latest development in my on-again, off-again relationship with Flickr Beta is the Flickr Zeitgeist. You will notice it over at the top of the sidebar doing fun things with my photos. It will be more interesting when I have more photos uploaded.

If you came for the miniblog, you are going to be disappointed. I grew weary of it and have locked it away behind a bracket and an exclamation point.

spring 2

spring 2

Monday, April 04, 2005





interview q&a--jobs i didn't get

"Tell me Mr. Gilbert, what did you like most about your previous position?"
Coming up with new ideas. You could basically think of me as an idea generating machine just crankin' out new ideas continually. For instance, what if we attached little generators to all the pigeons in the city that harnessed the movement of their wings to recharge a AA battery? We could save millions on energy costs related to recharging the batteries in my kid's toys alone. I just came up with that one, but I have a million. Basically my dream position is one where you just pay me to think up ideas.
"What would you say is your most outstanding achievement in the past year?"
Well, I created a baby. That's a feat I am pretty proud of. I would be very happy in job where I was just paid to create babies.
"Can you give me an example of how you work in a team?"
The baby creating project comes to mind. It started out as a partnership endevor with my wife, but in the end involved pretty much everyone with an opinion about anything related to babies and then ultimately enough doctors, nurses, and staff to fill a delivery room. But I think that everyone would agree that I was an important part of that team--that my contribution was invaluable up to the point where I passed out on floor of the delivery room.
"How would you describe yourself as a person?"
Medium bodied and peppery, with just a hint of currant.

Friday, April 01, 2005

david's first birthday

Samuel and David
Originally uploaded by jandjgilbert.

We had a belated party last weekend to celebrate David's first birthday, Skylar's visit home, and (paranthetically) my birthday. For me, the highlight was Samuel, David's second cousin who was born about 36 hours before David was. Samuel is a charmer. He has a heck of a smile (not pictured here). The physical difference between the two of them is amazing. Samuel has hair that has been cut (three times) and is way stylish. He is also thinner with a more defined face. All of this conspires to make him look at least 8 months older than David. But David is bigger. So, together, they look like a two-year old playing with some gargantuan infant visiting home from the circus.

I'll probably get in trouble for saying that.

The highlight of the party for David was balloons. Gobs of balloons that we brought home. They are all tangled together in a big mess. So David will grab the strings and crawl across the floor with an enormous balloon posse surrouding him bouncing and bounding along with him in a frenzy. It is a wonderful image of just how much energy the boy has.

Alexander and Sebastian

Alexander and Sebastian
Originally uploaded by jandjgilbert.

Friends, parents, bloggers Valerie and Ed were in town last week. I was so excited to meet their two lovely boys and to introduce David, who was still gestating (sp?) last time Valerie was around. Alas, David's doctor said that he was still contagious, so he could not go with us. We don't want Valerie and Ed to deal with what he had, times two.

Anyway, the boys are delightful, Valerie and Ed (and Emily) looked great.

This photo Flicks you to Flickr.

Colorado images at last

Originally uploaded by jandjgilbert.

Sorry this took so long . . . technical issues. Click on the image to be swept away to Flickr to see the rest.